7 Stages of Grief

The title says it all and in a matter of 3 days, I'm finally on the downhill of that roller coaster. I came across this website: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html, just so I could explain the emotions I've went through the past 3 days.

1. Shock and denial: I was shocked when they told us it was a boy. We spent the last 3 weeks planning and purchasing for a girl. I was in denial that they couldn't find a cerebellum for my child. I kept telling myself that there was no way this was true and I wouldn't have made it this far in with this issue.

2. Pain and guilt: When I realized how real this was, my heart ached. I couldn't really grasp the realness of what was going on and the pain of that was unbearable. Even thought the Doctor told us there was nothing we did wrong to cause a missing cerebellum, I ran over the last 6 months in my head, it had to be the seafood sub I ate, or the soft serve ice cream, or it must have been the cosmo i drank 2 days before I found out I was pregnant. I felt guilty in every aspect.

3. Anger and bargaining: I start to feel angry. I'm sure finding out the verdict of Casey Anthony did noting to help my situation. I was angry that my child was not ok and that she had just got away with murdering hers. "Why us?" is all I asked. "Why?" I never really bargained as I was angry and blaming God for this. Why would I want to bargain with Him when I already felt He hated me.

4. Depression, reflection and loneliness: I started to get depressed. This is so rare, no one can tell us what to expect. No one really knows anything and they won't be able to diagnose anything until about age 1. While B researched on line for hours to see what he could find. I buried myself into crafts to keep my mind from racing as fast as it already was.

5. The upward turn: It helped to talk about my feelings, especially since I'm one to keep them bottled up. B was a big factor in helping me talk through what I was going through and what we should do.

6. Reconstruction and working through: After what little information that is out there was brought forward to us, I'm finally not so emotional. I haven't cried yet today (knock on wood) so hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

7. Acceptance and hope: I've accepted that things will be challenging on the road ahead, especially since there is not much to go on out there. I hope that with the resources we have available, Chase will have a normal life, or at least as normal as we can give him.

Everything happens for a reason. We feel Chase was given to us for a purpose, what that is, I don't know yet but I'm ready to start this journey.

-E