Sunday, July 31, 2011

Not Knowing.

I started internet searching again. I guess I'm searching for reported outcomes and from what I find it's usually a child that was diagnosed after birth and had a delayed outcome, or a preterm birth that had other issues along with CH due to being so early. I keep telling myself "Oh, well they found out late so they started therapy late" or "Oh, that baby was born at 24 weeks that's why there are so many issues"

Does this make me feel better? Yes. But maybe I'm being naive.

I read a newspaper article about a man in Boston whose grandson has CH and he does a lot of research to find answers. I don't know if he is the current mayor or was a mayor, but they found out when the child was 1 that he had CH and is having delays in speech and with walking.

There was a part in the article that caught my attention; it kinda made me angry "The condition can also be caused by oxygen deprivation, or by infections in utero."... Now, obviously, we can rule out oxygen deprivation...What did I do to my child? Was it something I ate, something I did, somewhere I went? Did I drink too much OJ? I don't understand. (Can you see where I'm going?)

Now I'm going to worry that this really was my fault and blame it on something I ate. I ate soft serve ice cream and they tell you that you shouldn't. Maybe it was the cosmo I drank 2 days before I found out? Or was it the coffee I drank until it was officially confirmed that I was pregnant? Or was it the "decaf" iced coffee Dunkin Donuts gave me that really wasn't decaffeinated? I wasn't sick at all during my pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness, I haven't had a cold (I've been pregnant since February, I surprised I didn't have at least one cold yet).

Then I wonder if I was supposed to be having this baby. At my confirmation appointment, they drew blood to make sure my hCG was rising appropriately. I had to repeat the test because it was, but not as fast as they wanted it too. So I did another blood test and the results came back good. Then, at six weeks, I started to bleed and thought I was losing the baby. But again, they checked and said it was due to a hematoma and the baby was ok and measuring perfectly for the date that I was. We even saw a heartbeat that day.

Then of course we were told we were having a girl, twice. The first time they told us I was really pretty bummed as I thought up until that moment that we were having a boy. So the third time when they told us it was a boy and he had brain issues, I started to wonder if I'm being punished because I wanted a boy so bad...

I guess it is what it is and no amount of worrying, wondering or what if-ing will change things.



  1. Em my love. When i found out sam had autisum i did the same thing. what did i do wrong? Did i not bake her right? Then i looked at ny baby girl and knew god gave her to me for a reason. that sent me into high gear to find her all the help i could. chase is Ur son for a reason. god gave him to u cuz knew u could handle it. It hard really hard. somedays u want to give up but then Ur child looks at u and Ur heart melts and makes it worth it. people will look at my child weird and they will say things that are hurtful. People shy away from anyone that is different. it hurts me when kids will not play with Sam cuz they can't understand the way she talks. but my child is the love of my life. i would never trade her in for another child that wad normal.

    im here for u when ever u need anything. i love u

  2. Please try not to do this to yourself. My son suffered oxygen deprivation resulting in serious medical issues in utero and I blamed myself. I still sometimes feel a pang of guilt for what he had to go through, but really the truth I know in my head is there is nothing that I did to cause that. Same for you. I grilled my midwife after the birth of my son about what I could have done differently, and the answer was what I already knew - "nothing." I recommend you ask your OB about this, if only to put your mind at ease.