A month later...

Wow, sorry. September has been crazy! We toured Evanston, met a pediatrician, learned how to take care of a newborn, had a check up, a baby shower and I turned 29. No wonder September flew by.

We had an appointment on 9/15. They did a growth scan and found he is at the low end of the growth scale, so we will have a repeat scan on 10/3 (which starts my weekly appointments) they also found glucose in my urine so I had to have ANOTHER 3 hour glucose test, which I failed. So now I have to watch my carbs, eat more small meals and test my blood 4 times a day. At least I know how to do a low carb diet, which what I'm doing now is similar to it.

Chase's room is 90% done! All we need is baseboard, shelving for the closet, the closet door put on and the decorations up and we are finished! I've started washing clothes too!

My baby shower was awesome! It was all family so it was nice and low key and quiet. Thanks to everyone who came! It was amazing. I'm looking forward to my friend shower this Sunday. I'm hoping for a Bears win and that will make it perfect since it's a Bears themed shower! :)

Like I had mentioned, 10/3 I will start going in for weekly checkups which will include a non stress test. It's hard to think that Chase will be here in a month..A MONTH! Oh goodness. B thinks we'll go in on Halloween and they will decide he is ready to come out, so maybe we'll have a Halloween baby. Whatever day he comes, I'm still a bit scared!!

Well here are my stats:

How far along are you: 35 weeks 2 days

How big is baby: According to my weekly updates: 20 inches and 5 lbs

Stretch marks: I found some on the inside of my knees. I'm not to happy about these.

Sleep: I'm still wondering what this is?

How are you feeling physically: I'm not as tired, but tired enough and now that I have to monitor what I eat, I'm starving even more!!!

How are you feeling emotionally: Anxious, scared, unprepared.

Best moment of the week: My shower was defiantly awesome :)

Movement: He started up his ninja training again. I though he might have broke my rib yesterday.

Cravings: Nothing really. I try not to think about food since there is so much goodness that I can't eat :(

Labor signs: Still none!

Missing anything: Crappy food and alcohol

Looking forward to: My shower this weekend

Random thoughts: Can I just rewind to February? I don't think I'm ready for this...

-e

MRI results

There is no changes and no water on the brain. This is the good news we were told today. Yay!

Here are my stats:

How far along are you: 31 weeks

How big is baby: According to my weekly updates: 18 inches and 4 pounds.

Stretch marks: No new ones

Sleep: What is sleep?

How are you feeling physically: Tired and starving!!!

How are you feeling emotionally: Great since hearing the good news!

Best moment of the week: We have paint :) I'm hoping that Monday we can put furniture in his room

Movement: Movin' and groovin' but I think he is running out of room

Cravings: Today I want a dognut....or 5

Labor signs: None!!

Missing anything: Sleep

Looking forward to: Getting Chase's room set up!

Random thoughts: It's starting to feel so real!!

-e

10 weeks left!

There are only 10 weeks until November. November seems so far away, but saying there are only 10 weeks left makes it seem so close. Freaky!!

Tomorrow we're having another MRI as well as our 30 week check up. It's going to be a long day.

I can't wait to meet little man, although I think B is more excited sometimes. After our appointments tomorrow, we're going to Build-A-Bear to make him a present.

Well, I don't have much to say. I'll post the results of the MRI once we know. Just keep hoping for no changes.

Here are my stats:

How far along are you: 30 weeks 2 days

How big is baby: According to my weekly updates: 17 inches and 3 1/2 pounds.

Stretch marks: Lower back and inner thighs. No new ones

Sleep: Still craptacular. What I wouldn't give for a full night sleep.

How are you feeling physically: Still tired. I've noticed my ribs have been sore more than usual and I find myself sitting with one side stretched a lot.

How are you feeling emotionally: Despite being tired, I felt pretty good this week. I think it helped going out and seeing friends on "Sunday Funday"

Best moment of the week: Hanging out with my girls. It's been to long! Also, B has a game he plays with Chase: B kisses my belly and Chase kicks back.

Movement: They've gotten stronger. I feel like there might be an alien in my tummy!!!

Cravings: Hm...everything? I'm so hungry all the time.

Labor signs: None!! I don't want any for at least a week after my due date. I want him "over baked" lol!

Missing anything: My old clothes for sure.

Looking forward to: Labor Day weekend. I could use an extra day off.

Random thoughts: I'm afraid I won't fit into my old clothes after my maternity leave. I foresee a lot of salad and running in my future.

Thoughts and anxiety

I've been thinking a lot about the last few months. Replaying moments like the ultarsounds and the amnino draw and the MRI and wondering if they really knew someting was wrong with that first ultrasound. I mean, the back of his head was facing my front. They had a good shot, but yet they told us we had to come back because they couldn't see the front of the head and then they said the same thing when we came back. I can't help but feel lied to.

We also started going to our birth preperation classes. That class gives me anxiety. *shudders* I'm getting nervous about going into labor and pain, etc. They say that contraction are like bad cramps. I've had bad cramps, they make me vomit. I don't want to vomit or cry or be uncomfortable. I'm getting an epidural and that is that.

I saw this next part on other blogs. It's kinda like a pregnancy survey. I wish I would have done this from the beginning, but no time like the present (even though there are only 11 weeks left...11WEEKS?!?!? WOAH!!!)

Well here it goes:

How far along are you: 29 weeks 2 days

How big is baby: According to my weekly updates: 16 inches and 3 pounds.

Stretch marks: Just on my lower back and inner thighs.

Sleep: Horrible. I'm up at least 3 times a night to pee. I guess I'll be ready when Chase comes. At least when he comes, I'll be able to nap with him.

How are you feeling physically: Tired. I get out of breath easier too. I also find it very hard to get out of my recliner with my tummy in the way.

How are you feeling emotionally: Scared. Worried. I don't like not knowing the future so not knowing how things will be with Chase gives me anxiety. I like to be prepaired for what will happen and in this case I can't and I hate it.

Best moment of the week: B felt a body part (head or butt, not sure what it could be) and it the body part moved. B though it was the coolest thing ever. B thinking it's the coolest thing ever IS the coolest thing ever :)

Movement: A lot, but they are sporadic.The OB said last week to start counting kicks if I want or to just pay attention to his awake and sleep times which is the option I choose. I've come to know when to expect his movement, so when he does, I feel reassured.

Cravings: Monterray ranch chicken sandwhiches from Wendys....this is really all I want to eat, but I don't.

Labor signs: none

Missing anything: Miller lite. 8/13 was the first Bears preseason game. It was awkard to watch with out a beer in my hand. I'm also missing Jesse Oaks (a local bar with an out doors atmosphere, perfect summer bar).

Looking forward to: Fall because it's my favorite season. Pumpkin flavored anything. Cooler weather. Chase's arravial :) and being off work.

Random thoughts: Nothing other than the first part. I wish I had my energy back, but that's about all. :)

-e

Today's appointment

We had an appointment with an ultrasound today.

Nothing has changed and this is good.

Chase is measuring right on target at 2.7 lbs. The Doctor said he has a small head, which is probably because of his small cerebellum, but she is not concerned about it.

The ultrasound tech tried to get a 3D pic of Chase's face but he is shy and stubborn and active and moved before she could take the picture, and as usual, his head was in my pelvis. From what I saw though, I think he is going to look like B <3

We will go back for another appointment the same day of the MRI 8/26. So I guess at this point just keep hoping nothing changes.

-e

Not Knowing.

I started internet searching again. I guess I'm searching for reported outcomes and from what I find it's usually a child that was diagnosed after birth and had a delayed outcome, or a preterm birth that had other issues along with CH due to being so early. I keep telling myself "Oh, well they found out late so they started therapy late" or "Oh, that baby was born at 24 weeks that's why there are so many issues"

Does this make me feel better? Yes. But maybe I'm being naive.

I read a newspaper article about a man in Boston whose grandson has CH and he does a lot of research to find answers. I don't know if he is the current mayor or was a mayor, but they found out when the child was 1 that he had CH and is having delays in speech and with walking.

There was a part in the article that caught my attention; it kinda made me angry "The condition can also be caused by oxygen deprivation, or by infections in utero."... Now, obviously, we can rule out oxygen deprivation...What did I do to my child? Was it something I ate, something I did, somewhere I went? Did I drink too much OJ? I don't understand. (Can you see where I'm going?)

Now I'm going to worry that this really was my fault and blame it on something I ate. I ate soft serve ice cream and they tell you that you shouldn't. Maybe it was the cosmo I drank 2 days before I found out? Or was it the coffee I drank until it was officially confirmed that I was pregnant? Or was it the "decaf" iced coffee Dunkin Donuts gave me that really wasn't decaffeinated? I wasn't sick at all during my pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness, I haven't had a cold (I've been pregnant since February, I surprised I didn't have at least one cold yet).

Then I wonder if I was supposed to be having this baby. At my confirmation appointment, they drew blood to make sure my hCG was rising appropriately. I had to repeat the test because it was, but not as fast as they wanted it too. So I did another blood test and the results came back good. Then, at six weeks, I started to bleed and thought I was losing the baby. But again, they checked and said it was due to a hematoma and the baby was ok and measuring perfectly for the date that I was. We even saw a heartbeat that day.

Then of course we were told we were having a girl, twice. The first time they told us I was really pretty bummed as I thought up until that moment that we were having a boy. So the third time when they told us it was a boy and he had brain issues, I started to wonder if I'm being punished because I wanted a boy so bad...

I guess it is what it is and no amount of worrying, wondering or what if-ing will change things.

-e

Monday's appointment

We had an appointment Monday. It was basically to be "welcomed" to the practice and to make sure I'm measuring appropriately, which I am. Chase's HB was in the 160s.

I'm going for my gestational diabetes test tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will pass, since I haven't been the greatest eater. We're having an ultrasound on August 8th as well as another appointment. There is only 14 weeks left!

We're having a second MRI on 8/26. Maybe there will be some changes..but most likely not.

I might have mentioned this before, but sometimes I worry that we are being to optimistic. I get the "what if's" a lot. I had a dream the other night. It was weird. It was all audio and no visual anything. All I remember is someone telling me "He has no muscle tone." and that was it. I get so scared not knowing the future, so scared I get anxiety.

-e